Climate Change: Let's Fucking Fix It (Literally)

Look you can blame Skippy TS for another story about my old mate George, as she asked for more in the comments of the recent Scent of a Woman blog. Anyhoo, there I was last week, minding my own business at home over a beer and my old mate George called, all ADHD excitement, and seeking investment funds … never a good combination.

“Maaate” he said, “You know how they call me the ideas man? Well, I’ve got a bloody cracker for you this time” and I sighed in resignation knowing I was going to hear his latest way-out-of-left-field idea to make millions. Not to mention, but I must, with my money to get him started. I took another sup of my Guinness stout and sat down in the mauve corduroy covered lazy boy to listen.

“It’s all about energy mate” George said. “You know fossil fuels, green energy, windmills, solar, sea wave generators, and such. It’s about the problem of a warming climate and I have the solution” he said. “Pink energy, pink power generation!” he exclaimed. “It’s a fucking win win!” George insisted wildly over-selling it, I rolled my eyes, but I must admit I did sort of want to know what pink power was.

“It’s all about friction” he said and the song Just a Fraction too much Friction popped into my head reminding me of the brilliant Split Enz tune from way back and way over in New Zealand.

“Mate” he said “The answer is sex. Intercourse to be specific. The in and the out” he said unnecessarily. “So, let’s say that the average penis is what 6 inches long, and during sex you might thrust in and out say, 80 times”. His math’s got me thinking but I stayed silent. “What say you could harness that movement in and out as an energy source” George asked, and I relaxed knowing my money was safe. There was no way I was investing in bonking providing energy. “No no” George said sensing my incredulity. “Hear me out Bro”. So, 6 inches times 80 thrusts in and out equals 40 feet in distance and then millions of people doing that at any given time and I imagined that orgy as George went on and on. That my friend is an untapped pink energy source” George insisted, declaring confidently “As a society we can fuck our way to energy sustainability”.

I took a bigger sup of my Irish black gold, and he explained further. Seems George had invented an idea of a concept of an outline of a potential plan for a prototype of a new type of condom. The hi-tech prophylactic would be designed “by AI” to be fitted with some sort of device that would capture the energy of electrical friction created by the thrust and withdrawal of the penis during sexual intercourse. (I know!)

George continued in full flight of his own latest personal fantasy. “My researchers and I (I knew he had no researchers lying bastard) are working on how to then turn that sexual friction into electricity and to capture that as free energy. The energy could be fed either into say a battery so as to charge that as backup power for your house, or eventually into the national grid. Imagine”, George said proudly, and I really did try to although reluctantly so. “With a wee wire running back from the electronic condomic (new word per George) receiver over the thrusting buttocks of the energy generator (a man) into the electrical capture system, whatever that might turn out to be, we can all fuck our way to a pink power solution and change the world”.

While begrudgingly admiring the creative concept and typically flawed insane genius of his idea, the actual mechanical and theoretical practicalities of it were surely not viable, I thought. “No no” George started again somehow imagining my incredulous facial expression was through the phone.

“Look its totally feasible. So, imagine say Langtrees VIP bordello over a 24-hour period with each male customer wired up for pink power.” I reluctantly did. “Mate that place is so busy, the girls so gorgeous, that I would say the energy emitted by all that in-out action might well power the Crown Casino complex across the way” George said.

I remained silent, shaking my head with a mix of amusement and disbelief as George forged ahead with what he called "the outline of a concept for a potential plan." “Imagine if the government actually recognised the potential of pink power and mandated participation from the unemployed, turning it into a regulated energy-generating initiative to help offset the cost of the welfare system.”

It was ambitious, absurd, and somehow exactly what I expected from George.

“Or” he continued enthusiastically “Say prisoners had to engage as human generators to discount their sentences. Now not every prisoner would have a girlfriend or wife to couple with so that’s where the AI sex dolls owned by you and me, are bought in of say 100 at a time, all wired to the grid. Not only would immense power be generated, surely enough to make the prison energy independent, but suddenly you would have very calm and relaxed prisoners. Pink Power would make prisons a safer place. Happy prisoners … happy prison yeah?

Or say we had a huge storm, and the city lost power. What say we call up the army and without leaving the barracks the troops engaged in pink power generation to resume electrical supply to the city” George pleaded his case. “Look mate if all the worlds’ armies engaged, they would all be so buggered from producing Pink Power that all the wars would stop. Mate, eventually there would be thousands, even millions of good citizens all over the world, banks of bonkers generating pink power day and night! It’s an idea that simply can’t fail” George insisted, and I smiled as I knew now for certain that George was certainly bonkers.

“Well mate one problem I see…” I said after an extended pause, “Not many men can keep up the in and out action for as long as you suggest. So your idea of a concept of pink power idea might well turn out to be a great big fuck all. Like solar at night or wind power on a still day. That is even if the unlikely event of you and your people (he has no fucking people) ever being able to design and build and test a condomic friction-based power generation pink technology.

But George is nothing but determined once he has the idea of a concept of an outline of a plan of a prototype in his oversized head; “It’s a win win mate” he repeated pleadingly but now less convincingly. C’mon man I am offering you an early chance to invest!” George said. “Count me out” I replied and hung up the phone on the ideas man.

Author: Magnum
(Founding seed money investor in Pink Power)
For: Langtrees.com

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