Kale, Rage & Public Tantrums: When Veganism Goes Full Psycho

Its well and truly time to rip into vegan activism. Now before some pasty bloke in hemp undies starts throwing lentils at my window, let me be clear … If you’re vegan—good on ya. Seriously. It takes commitment, effort, and more discipline than I’ve ever shown near a Macca’s drive-thru at 2 a.m.

But this isn’t about you.

This is about the unhinged salad slingers—the ones screaming naked in shopping centres, covered in their own bloody menstrual blood, telling shoppers they’re murderers because they bought a leather belt. Yes that actually happened.

And Yes, Tash Peterson, I’m talking to you. You’re not raising awareness. You’re just pissing people off, making kids cry and traumatising geriatrics who came to Coles for denture cream, not a blood-soaked interpretive dance of pain in aisle four (not surprising this idiot went bankrupt unable to pay defamation costs).

“We Get It. But Also, Calm the Fuck Down.”

Let’s be honest—most of the world is not vegan. In fact, according to the world animal foundation actual numbers, only 1% of the global population follows a vegan diet. That’s right. Out of 8.1 billion people, about 88 million are vegan. And only a tiny sliver of those are the loud, aggressive ones shaming mums for buying eggs.

The rest? Lovely people and embarrassed these fuck sticks, quietly enjoying chickpeas, watching their counter-part lunatics ruin the whole movement. A couple of my dearest friends are vegans. I’d cook them some desirable plant based food when they come over and they treat me to a steak when they buy lunch.

“Factory Farms Aren’t Pretty—But They Feed the World”

Look, nobody’s arguing that factory farming is a spa day for cows. It’s ugly. It’s confronting. It’s industrial. But when you’ve got 8.1 billion hungry bastards to feed, you can’t exactly frolic through fields hand-picking ethical tofu from unicorn gardens. The truth is, mass food production keeps humans alive and until science invents a way to clone meat out of air and fairy dust, this is the system we’ve got.

Would we love a more humane, sustainable model? Of course. Can the average working-class family afford $40 cashew cheese and oat-based bacon? Fuck no.

“Traumatising Kids Doesn’t Make You Noble—It Makes You an Arsehole”

Let’s be real:

Walking into restaurants screaming, crying in meat sections, and throwing fake blood at butcher counters is not activism. It’s a full-blown public meltdown. Like that time the former mentioned activist, dressed as a bunny, went full banshee in a shopping centre to protest against Easter Eggs. I’m sorry—but if your advocacy involves shocking little Timmy into crying because Mum bought him chocolate, you’re not helping. You’re just being a biohazard.

And don’t get me started on That Vegan Teacher, the TikTok terrorist of tofu, who once wished death on people who wouldn’t give up cheese—and dropped the most controversial racial slur in the name of lettuce.

HOW THE FUCK IS THAT HELPING ANYTHING?!

That’s not compassion. That’s weaponised self-righteousness wrapped in kale and a side of delusion. 
“Be Vegan. Be Proud. But Don’t Be a Dickhead.”

Most people aren’t evil—they’re just trying to get through the day. They’re raising kids, working jobs, and maybe grabbing a roast chook so they don’t have to cook for three hours after working two shifts. You don’t know their story. You don’t know their struggles, and they don’t need to be publicly shamed because Karen the Vegan Crusader had a meltdown over a fucking Big Mac.

You want to educate people? Great. Use your words. Not your bodily fluids.

Final Thoughts From the Bacon-Loving Centre: 

To the everyday vegans: we see you. Keep doing your thing.

To the extremist nutbags: sit down, have a protein shake, and shut the fuck up. You’re not helping animals—you’re just pissing off everyone else. 

So here’s my question for the crowd: Is vegan extremism saving the world … or just making everyone want to punch a cauliflower? Let's get a debate happening. Roast. Rant. But keep your pants on and your bodily fluids to yourself.

Now if people were to stoop to the level of ridiculousness and fight fire with fire, it may look something like this. You seriously have to see these!!!

Author: Master Yoda
For: Langtrees.com

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