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Is it time we introduce an apprenticeship program to properly train young men in the fine, passionate, and occasionally acrobatic art of lovemaking? Langtrees thinks so!
Welcome to L.U.S.T. – Langtrees University of Sexual Training, where clueless young men become competent Casanovas, and women everywhere breathe a sigh of relief.
Alright, folks, let's talk about something we all know but rarely say out loud: young blokes are about as useful in the sack as a bent spanner in a toolbox. Satisfying a woman? Ha! Most of ‘em wouldn’t know where to start if you handed them a map, a torch, and a neon sign saying “THIS WAY TO PLEASURETOWN.” And I should know—I was one of those hopeless sods years ago (yes, plural, don’t judge me, I’m vintage now). Back then, me and my mates were stumbling around like blindfolded explorers in the Bermuda Triangle of lady bits—utterly lost in a “confusion of labia,” wondering if we’d accidentally wandered into a hedged maze instead.
Sure, the internet swooped in like a smutty superhero with its HD porn tutorials—bless its filthy heart. Suddenly, there was a chance to peek under the hood and figure out what’s what, maybe even score an “OMG!” from a lucky lass. But here’s the kicker: half the time, these young bucks skipped the “female-friendly” porn with its slow sensual seduction and gentle touching but that advantage was ruined by the male targeted unfriendly rough sex porn scenarios where young men learned, erroneously of course, that strangling, pinching biting squeezing and smacking was love making – NOT!
The real tragedy? By the time most blokes finally cracked the code to being bedroom wizards, their mojo’s packed its bags and left the building. Timing, eh?
Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have a solution.
As a concerned citizen and in the interest of public service, I’m begging every government—red, blue, or rainbow-striped—to fund a proper apprenticeship scheme at Langtrees VIP Bordello. Call it L.U.S.T—Langtrees University of Sexual Training—where we train our young men to be compassionate and educated lovers to right the wrongs of the past. No young woman, already suffering the anxieties of modern feminine youth with body image, self-esteem, and online bullying issues need ever be exposed to clumsy unknowing young men as lovers.
Imagine it: mums dropping off their +18 year old lads at the bordello, waving teary goodbyes like it’s uni orientation day. Inside, the seasoned pros—think of them as the Yodas of Yes that run a tight ship. One-on-one classes, naturally (no group projects here, thank you).
Over a three-month intensive, students will work with highly trained professionals (because practice makes perfect, and we believe in hands-on learning). Young men will learn everything—from the importance of foreplay, the art of reading body language, and the absolute necessity of not treating breasts like stress balls.
On completion, we’d host a graduation bash—proud families munching cucumber sandwiches, watching their boys strut out with a shiny “Good Lover” certificate would be released on the world as fully capable and educated tradesmen in the art of love making.
Sure, not every genius idea takes off—hoverboards, where you at?—but hear me out: let’s storm Parliament with a proposal for the new government: “Fund the Good Lover Certification at L.U.S.T. with all that sweet booze and cigarette tax cash!” Why waste those vice bucks when we could funnel them into teaching young men the art of lovemaking—knowledge, finesse, and a performance that doesn’t end in a shrug? The sooner we do, the happier we’ll all be—politicians snickering over their donuts as they greenlight a wave of certified studs. A world of satisfied lovers beats a world of bedroom blunders any day, so let’s redirect that tax haul and kick L.U.S.T. into gear—who’s with me? Or do I need to throw in free beers to seal the deal?
Author: Magnum
(B.A. - Batchelor of Arse with Honours - L.U.S.T)
For: Langtrees.com
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“Haha, honestly… not the worst idea I’ve ever heard! I actually have guys ask for guidance, tips, and reassurance during bookings all the time — which proves there are men who genuinely care about pleasing women and doing better. The tricky part is that intimacy is never one-size-fits-all. You can absolutely teach the fundamentals — anatomy, communication, slowing down, reading body language, respect — but every woman is different. What works beautifully for one won’t necessarily land for another. For example, I personally love a soft, sensual, slow approach, but many women prefer something totally different. So the real lesson isn’t just how to do things — it’s learning to listen, adapt, and respond to the person in front of you. If L.U.S.T teaches curiosity, consent, confidence, and the idea that women aren’t a checklist but individuals… then honestly? Sounds great! ”
“LOL funny and also a great idea! Sex education from an experienced Langtrees lady would go a long way to counteract the bad teaching from watching free porn. Thinking about the graduation ceremony made me laugh, a really well written blog. ”
“This is brilliant and hilarious! A “Good Lover Certification” sounds like exactly the kind of hands-on, practical education the world desperately needs. Teaching respect, technique, and connection while keeping it fun would save so many awkward moments.”
“I definitely vibe with this thread! I’ve also noticed a lot of younger men, especially, who are self conscious about themselves. How they perform, how big or small they are, some even wondering if they’ve made you come. These lessons would be well received by these young men!”
“Fun read but I was hunting for some take home lessons. Hypothetically, would any of the Langtrees ladies be open to giving a 'coaching session'? ”
“HOW DO I APPLY!!??”
“This sounds like a great idea! Learning about intimacy and communication is important for feeling confident and happy. Langtrees University of Sexual Training seems like a helpful place for anyone who wants to improve their relationships and understand themselves better. Excited to see how it helps people!”
“I fully endorse the exploration of the topic of LUST, as I find it to be both engaging and timely. I am prepared to dedicate the necessary effort and commitment to contribute to this initiative effectively.”
“Absolutely—fund L.U.S.T. and turn tax dollars into pleasure dividends! Who’d say no to a world of skilled lovers and happier partners? (Free beers sweeten the deal, though.)” ??”
“Education is essential. Sex is complex and involves understanding both yourself and others. A fantastic read!”
“I can already imagine the anatomy diagram units of class, will there be take-home assignments to complete outside of class for extra credit? ???”
“Education is a must. Sex isn't as easy, or black and white. It's complex being sensual with yourself and others. And the realities of it. Great read !”
“Love this! Taxpayer funds should fuel L.U.S.T. to train skilled lovers, not pad the retirement nests of do-nothing politicians—better sex ed over bloated pollies pensions any day!”
“Pretty informative article and definitely worth reading ?”
“OMG - that is excellent, what a great idea - certainly a niche market and will be in high demand. We only need to get Clive Palmer to sponsor it - doing him a faviour by saving him from himself - no more wasting his dollars on his latest irritable political project.”
“What a brilliant article”
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