L.U.S.T - Langtrees University of Sexual Training

Is it time we introduce an apprenticeship program to properly train young men in the fine, passionate, and occasionally acrobatic art of lovemaking? Langtrees thinks so! 

Welcome to L.U.S.T. – Langtrees University of Sexual Training, where clueless young men become competent Casanovas, and women everywhere breathe a sigh of relief.

Alright, folks, let's talk about something we all know but rarely say out loud: young blokes are about as useful in the sack as a bent spanner in a toolbox. Satisfying a woman? Ha! Most of ‘em wouldn’t know where to start if you handed them a map, a torch, and a neon sign saying “THIS WAY TO PLEASURETOWN.” And I should know—I was one of those hopeless sods years ago (yes, plural, don’t judge me, I’m vintage now). Back then, me and my mates were stumbling around like blindfolded explorers in the Bermuda Triangle of lady bits—utterly lost in a “confusion of labia,” wondering if we’d accidentally wandered into a hedged maze instead.

Sure, the internet swooped in like a smutty superhero with its HD porn tutorials—bless its filthy heart. Suddenly, there was a chance to peek under the hood and figure out what’s what, maybe even score an “OMG!” from a lucky lass. But here’s the kicker: half the time, these young bucks skipped the “female-friendly” porn with its slow sensual seduction and gentle touching but that advantage was ruined by the male targeted unfriendly rough sex porn scenarios where young men learned, erroneously of course, that strangling, pinching biting squeezing and smacking was love making – NOT!

The real tragedy? By the time most blokes finally cracked the code to being bedroom wizards, their mojo’s packed its bags and left the building. Timing, eh? 

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have a solution.

Introducing the L.U.S.T Initiative: An Apprenticeship in Lovemaking

As a concerned citizen and in the interest of public service, I’m begging every government—red, blue, or rainbow-striped—to fund a proper apprenticeship scheme at Langtrees VIP Bordello. Call it L.U.S.T—Langtrees University of Sexual Training—where we train our young men to be compassionate and educated lovers to right the wrongs of the past. No young woman, already suffering the anxieties of modern feminine youth with body image, self-esteem, and online bullying issues need ever be exposed to clumsy unknowing young men as lovers.

The Curriculum (Because This is Serious Business)

• Anatomy 101: The Lost Treasure Map** – Learn what’s where, what it does, and why *just mashing things* like an old TV remote isn’t a winning strategy. 
• Finding the C-Spot and G-Spot – Like an adult version of "Where’s Waldo?" except if you find it, someone actually gets excited. 
• Handiwork & Mouth Mechanics – Because the tongue is a tool, not just for talking yourself out of speeding fines. 
• Sensuality Studies – Slowing down, teasing, and *not* treating sex like a sprint to the finish line. 
• Porn vs. Reality: A Masterclass – Spoiler alert: Real-life sex isn’t a high-budget blockbuster with choreographed chaos and a dodgy script—it’s more like a DIY project where you’re still googling the instructions mid-job.

Imagine it: mums dropping off their +18 year old lads at the bordello, waving teary goodbyes like it’s uni orientation day. Inside, the seasoned pros—think of them as the Yodas of Yes that run a tight ship. One-on-one classes, naturally (no group projects here, thank you).

Over a three-month intensive, students will work with highly trained professionals (because practice makes perfect, and we believe in hands-on learning). Young men will learn everything—from the importance of foreplay, the art of reading body language, and the absolute necessity of not treating breasts like stress balls.

Graduation Day - A Family Affair

On completion, we’d host a graduation bash—proud families munching cucumber sandwiches, watching their boys strut out with a shiny “Good Lover” certificate would be released on the world as fully capable and educated tradesmen in the art of love making.

Sure, not every genius idea takes off—hoverboards, where you at?—but hear me out: let’s storm Parliament with a proposal for the new government: “Fund the Good Lover Certification at L.U.S.T. with all that sweet booze and cigarette tax cash!” Why waste those vice bucks when we could funnel them into teaching young men the art of lovemaking—knowledge, finesse, and a performance that doesn’t end in a shrug? The sooner we do, the happier we’ll all be—politicians snickering over their donuts as they greenlight a wave of certified studs. A world of satisfied lovers beats a world of bedroom blunders any day, so let’s redirect that tax haul and kick L.U.S.T. into gear—who’s with me? Or do I need to throw in free beers to seal the deal?

Author: Magnum
(B.A. - Batchelor of Arse with Honours - L.U.S.T)
For: Langtrees.com

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