The Things Blokes Say During a Punt

I’ve been around long enough to know one universal truth: men are absolutely, unquestionably, fucking hopeless at shutting their mouths during a punt. It should be the easiest gig in the world: you pay, you play, you piss off. But nah — some blokes think their booking is a goddamn podcast episode no one asked for. And the shit they come out with? Jesus wept.

Let’s break it down.

1. The “I’ve Got Problems” Guy
You’ve got an hour of paid sexy time and this bloke wants to unpack his entire trauma dump. 
“Yeah, the ex took the house, the kids, the dog… I’ve been living in a caravan with my mum’s cat.” 
Mate, this isn’t Dr Phil’s Fuck Palace. You’re not here for counselling. She’s not a therapist — she’s a woman being paid to touch your knob, not your soul. And for the love of all things holy, stop mentioning your haemorrhoids before she’s even touched you.

2. The Midroot Politician
Some blokes genuinely believe it’s sexy to start serious conversations during the act.
“You reckon Palestine’s fucked?” 
“What do you think of Albo?”
“Do you believe in climate change?”
Mate. Your dick is literally in someone. That’s not the time to negotiate the Paris Agreement.

3. The Porn Parrot
You can spot these blokes a mile away — they’ve been raised entirely on Pornhub and Monster Energy drinks.
“You love this cock, don’t you?”
“Yeah, you’re a filthy slut.”
“Call me daddy.”
The reality? She’s mentally doing a Sudoku, nodding politely, and wondering if she left her dryer on at home.

4. The Creepy Confessor
These are the blokes who bring out the deeply unsettling shit like they’re ordering a coffee.
“Do you mind if I wear the mask? I can only cum if I’m Batman.”
“Call me by my brother’s name… no, the older one.”
“Can you fart in my face? Not a little one. I mean proper.”
“I’ve got my nan’s necklace in my pocket… wanna wear it?”
Mate… NO.

5. Weirdly Specific Food Kinks
Yes, food play exists. But some of you need to be on a bloody list.
“Have you got any custard?”
“Can you lick Vegemite off my balls?”
“Hold this sausage roll in your mouth while I… you know.”
No woman alive wants to deep-throat a Four’n Twenty mid-session.

6. The Premature Champion
You know this bloke. Talks big, blows early.
“Buckle up, love, I’m gonna destroy you.”  30 seconds later — “Shit. Sorry. It’s been a while.”
Yeah, mate. So has the last time anyone called you good in bed.

7. The Sock Guy
“I’m just gonna keep my socks on.”
Why? Because his toenails look like medieval weaponry and smell like a dead possum. That’s why.

8. The Bodily Fluids Negotiator
This is where it gets… really grim.
“Can I piss on you?”
“Can you spit in my arsehole?”
“Can you collect my cum in a jar so I can freeze it?”
Sir… this is a brothel, not My Strange Addiction.

9. The Midroot Critic
“Oh, my ex used to do it like this…”
“You’re good, but not as good as my regular.”
Congratulations, mate. You’ve just guaranteed the rest of your session will be about as passionate as a handshake with your accountant.

10. The Deadset Fuckwit
And finally, the blokes who pull lines that are so gob-smackingly stupid, they should be framed.
“I’ve got a rare condition where I can’t cum unless you moo like a cow.”
“I’ve been saving this load for three weeks just for you.”
“Do you mind if my mate watches from the cupboard?”
“Ever fucked a bloke with Hepatitis C?”
“I love how real your tits are… oh, they’re not?”

Why This Happens

Here’s the truth: Some blokes get nervous and say weird shit. Some blokes think they’re being sexy. Some are just weapons-grade morons. But here’s a golden rule for punters:
If you wouldn’t say it to a woman you were trying to impress in the real world… don’t say it to the one who’s currently holding your penis.

Working girls have heard everything. And the ones who make it in the industry aren’t just beautiful — they’ve got the patience of saints, the acting skills of Meryl Streep, and the ability to fake-laugh at your shit jokes better than your own mother.

Ladies, Over to You
I know there are working girls reading this right now nodding, laughing, or possibly dry-heaving because you’ve heard worse.

So here’s your homework: drop the wildest, filthiest, most jaw-dropping shit a bloke has ever said to you mid-punt. Doesn’t matter if it’s funny, creepy, or straight-up baffling — I want the lot.

And blokes… if you’re reading this and you recognise yourself in any of these examples… for fuck’s sake, learn to shut your mouth.

Author: Master Yoda
For: Langtrees.com

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