I’ve been around long enough to know one universal truth: men are absolutely, unquestionably, fucking hopeless at shutting their mouths during a punt. It should be the easiest gig in the world: you pay, you play, you piss off. But nah — some blokes think their booking is a goddamn podcast episode no one asked for. And the shit they come out with? Jesus wept.
Let’s break it down.
1. The “I’ve Got Problems” Guy
You’ve got an hour of paid sexy time and this bloke wants to unpack his entire trauma dump.
“Yeah, the ex took the house, the kids, the dog… I’ve been living in a caravan with my mum’s cat.”
Mate, this isn’t Dr Phil’s Fuck Palace. You’re not here for counselling. She’s not a therapist — she’s a woman being paid to touch your knob, not your soul. And for the love of all things holy, stop mentioning your haemorrhoids before she’s even touched you.
2. The Midroot Politician
Some blokes genuinely believe it’s sexy to start serious conversations during the act.
“You reckon Palestine’s fucked?”
“What do you think of Albo?”
“Do you believe in climate change?”
Mate. Your dick is literally in someone. That’s not the time to negotiate the Paris Agreement.
3. The Porn Parrot
You can spot these blokes a mile away — they’ve been raised entirely on Pornhub and Monster Energy drinks.
“You love this cock, don’t you?”
“Yeah, you’re a filthy slut.”
“Call me daddy.”
The reality? She’s mentally doing a Sudoku, nodding politely, and wondering if she left her dryer on at home.
4. The Creepy Confessor
These are the blokes who bring out the deeply unsettling shit like they’re ordering a coffee.
“Do you mind if I wear the mask? I can only cum if I’m Batman.”
“Call me by my brother’s name… no, the older one.”
“Can you fart in my face? Not a little one. I mean proper.”
“I’ve got my nan’s necklace in my pocket… wanna wear it?”
Mate… NO.
5. Weirdly Specific Food Kinks
Yes, food play exists. But some of you need to be on a bloody list.
“Have you got any custard?”
“Can you lick Vegemite off my balls?”
“Hold this sausage roll in your mouth while I… you know.”
No woman alive wants to deep-throat a Four’n Twenty mid-session.
6. The Premature Champion
You know this bloke. Talks big, blows early.
“Buckle up, love, I’m gonna destroy you.” 30 seconds later — “Shit. Sorry. It’s been a while.”
Yeah, mate. So has the last time anyone called you good in bed.
7. The Sock Guy
“I’m just gonna keep my socks on.”
Why? Because his toenails look like medieval weaponry and smell like a dead possum. That’s why.
8. The Bodily Fluids Negotiator
This is where it gets… really grim.
“Can I piss on you?”
“Can you spit in my arsehole?”
“Can you collect my cum in a jar so I can freeze it?”
Sir… this is a brothel, not My Strange Addiction.
9. The Midroot Critic
“Oh, my ex used to do it like this…”
“You’re good, but not as good as my regular.”
Congratulations, mate. You’ve just guaranteed the rest of your session will be about as passionate as a handshake with your accountant.
10. The Deadset Fuckwit
And finally, the blokes who pull lines that are so gob-smackingly stupid, they should be framed.
“I’ve got a rare condition where I can’t cum unless you moo like a cow.”
“I’ve been saving this load for three weeks just for you.”
“Do you mind if my mate watches from the cupboard?”
“Ever fucked a bloke with Hepatitis C?”
“I love how real your tits are… oh, they’re not?”
Why This Happens
Here’s the truth: Some blokes get nervous and say weird shit. Some blokes think they’re being sexy. Some are just weapons-grade morons. But here’s a golden rule for punters:
If you wouldn’t say it to a woman you were trying to impress in the real world… don’t say it to the one who’s currently holding your penis.
Working girls have heard everything. And the ones who make it in the industry aren’t just beautiful — they’ve got the patience of saints, the acting skills of Meryl Streep, and the ability to fake-laugh at your shit jokes better than your own mother.
Ladies, Over to You
I know there are working girls reading this right now nodding, laughing, or possibly dry-heaving because you’ve heard worse.
So here’s your homework: drop the wildest, filthiest, most jaw-dropping shit a bloke has ever said to you mid-punt. Doesn’t matter if it’s funny, creepy, or straight-up baffling — I want the lot.
And blokes… if you’re reading this and you recognise yourself in any of these examples… for fuck’s sake, learn to shut your mouth.
Author: Master Yoda
For: Langtrees.com
TalkinSex Forum | Perth Escorts | Sydney Escorts | Melbourne Escorts | Brisbane Escorts | Darwin Escorts | Adelaide Escorts | Hobart Escorts | New Zealand Escorts
“I always got 43 years ago. What's a nice girl doing in this job? My answer was that I need the income, and I'm a nympho, so I get more orgasms through a paid-for service. By the way, to you, fanny dive? I did have Perth's top Heart nurse work for me 2 nights a week in the Old Midland escort days, she was fantastic in personality & sexuality, a True Nympho. Had to regularly pull her out of escorts as she used only to charge the agency fee, and the sex was great, she wasn't leaving. Because of her high-stress job, she needed the sex, and in those days, we didn't have swingers clubs. We became great personal friends, but after a year, I showed her how to use a dating site, as it was unfair to the other ladies who had to go back to regulars. Just two weeks ago, a regular client & friend from 40 years ago rang me and asked if I had heard from this lady...and sadly we lost touch about 15 years ago.....”
“I agree with Jenna, this should be printed! I’ve had way too many Porn Parrots recently! Though, I think the worst was actually just 2 nights ago, you said you want the lot even if it’s creepy… 5am, a very well dressed older gent booked myself and another girl for an hour and when we asked what he did for work he said we’d never guess… he then pulled up his shirt home and showed us a 3 minute video on YouTube of a movie he was producing. The movie was about child sexual assault survivors. He looked at both of us as we rubbed his leg, chest and all the in between and told we had definitely been molested and he could tell. Honestly, it was wild and I told him I’m quite sure I wasn’t, to which he rolled his eyes. So I thought whatever believe what you want. He then asked if we were good girls for daddy and I felt really confused about the situation. Did he want us to be good girls and act something out for him(we’ve seen those guys) I wasn’t sure so I figured as usual it’s easy to placate the man but that one was a different level of strange. We are as much physical therapy as we are psychological! ”
“This is so ridiculously true and hilarious. I’m pretty sure I’ve had them all. Even better, we should turn these in to bingo cards and see what poor girls get these guys each night. ”
“Honestly, this should be printed, laminated, and handed out at the door with the condoms and awkward eye contact. You’d think paying for sex would be a ‘keep it simple, shut up, don’t make it weird’ kind of deal… but no. Somehow, every second punter thinks he’s auditioning for a TED Talk called ‘My Deeply Inappropriate Thoughts, Vol. 3’. The climate change chat mid-thrust? Inspiring. Nothing says ‘sexual charisma’ like negotiating geopolitics while someone pretends to enjoy your stroke game.”
“Love this! It’s great to see how a punt can spark laughter, banter, and memorable moments among mates. Those little sayings make the experience fun and full of life.”
“This blog is funny and brutally true: some blokes treat punting like a podcast—overshare, overspeak, overthink. Ladies just want action, not a TED Talk.”
“OMG you got me laughing love this blog :-)”
“Haha, this had me laughing so much! ? it’s so true! Some of the things guys blurt out during a punt are absolutely priceless. I love how this blog keeps it real while still being fun and lighthearted. Honestly, hearing these stories makes me feel a little less alone in the weird, wonderful world of this industry. Can’t wait to read more of these-they always brighten my day! ”
“Reading this was like watching a car crash in slow motion… couldn’t look away. Too real, too funny.”
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